Onion Radio News

The Onion Radio News is a daily podcast featuring a short news clip from The Onion's award-winning 24-hour radio news network. Read The Onion at www.theonion.com.

© 2008 The Onion, Inc. • Podcast home page

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Shows in this series

Show titleLengthDate
Area Sauce Perfect00:00:5407/08/2008
Fancy Home Defibrillator Used Only Once00:00:5807/07/2008
Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason00:00:5607/05/2008
Endangered Manatee Struggles To Make Self Understood To Congress00:01:0207/04/2008
Arizona Burned To Stop California Wildfire00:01:0007/03/2008
New Alternative Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 207000:00:5707/02/2008
Solar-Power Technology Still Largely Confined To Calculators00:00:5707/01/2008
8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese00:00:5406/29/2008
McCain Vows To Withdraw All Troops From The U.S.00:00:5906/27/2008
Catholic Church Condemns Metrosexuality00:00:5106/27/2008
Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet00:00:5606/26/2008
Area Lottery Winner Pulls Off 'Get Poor Quick' Scheme00:01:0006/23/2008
Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past Eight Years00:00:5506/22/2008
Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link00:00:5106/22/2008
Flaming-Streets Plan Passes In Tennessee00:00:4506/21/2008
Non-Controversial Church Opens For Potential Presidential Candidates00:00:5606/20/2008
Drunk Physicists Write Equations All Over Passed-Out Colleague's Face00:01:0306/19/2008
Drowning Super Model Rescued To Death00:00:5806/18/2008
Borrowed Stapler Returned With Bite Marks On It00:00:5306/17/2008
New Beer Brand Claims To Be Colder Than Other Beer Brands00:01:0306/16/2008
Clerk Endures Fifth Humiliating Year00:00:4706/15/2008
U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter00:00:5206/14/2008
Local Thumb Wrestler Falls For Only Trick In The Book00:00:5206/13/2008
Paris Hilton Foundation Grants 2 Million Dollars To Under-Privileged Socialite00:00:5906/12/2008
Rising Gravy Breaks Through Potato Dam00:00:5606/11/2008
Man Raised By Wolves Loses Wife, Kids During Family Reunion00:00:5606/10/2008
West Virginia Holds Its First Pronunciation Bee00:01:0006/09/2008
Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist00:01:0206/08/2008
New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra-Delicious00:01:0606/07/2008
Puppet Show Suddenly Turns To Subject Of Divorce00:01:0006/06/2008
Elderly Woman Destroys Internet00:01:0506/04/2008
SWAT Team Leader Uses Wrong Hand Signal Again00:01:0106/03/2008
Choir Deployed To Local Senior Center00:00:5206/02/2008
Area Father Fails To Forcibly Refold Map00:00:5206/01/2008
Man Born To Party Dies Partying00:00:4305/31/2008
Giraffe Wants To Be Appreciated For More Than Just Her Humongous Neck00:00:5305/30/2008
Muse Commands Area Man To Draw Naked Barbarian Girls00:00:5405/29/2008
President Bush Converts West Wing Into Injured Animal Shelter00:00:5905/28/2008
Area Man Forced Into Jehovah's Witness Protection Program00:00:5205/27/2008
Couple Devastated To Learn They Can't Have Cats00:00:5205/26/2008
LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet00:01:0005/25/2008
Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts00:00:5505/24/2008
Porn Star Breaks Into Mainstream Movie Career As 'Stripper Number Four'00:01:0005/23/2008
Teenager's Entire Life Ruined By Frizzy Hair00:01:0005/22/2008
NORAD Headquarters Crawling With Missile Weevils00:00:5805/21/2008
Terrifying Phantom Train Late00:00:5505/20/2008
Homeless Man Bestows God's Blessing To All Within Earshot00:00:5805/18/2008
Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported00:00:5205/17/2008
Plate Of Cookies Never Stood A Chance00:00:5305/16/2008
Biologists Apologize For Release Of Giant Winged Serpents00:01:0105/15/2008
Obama Voicemail Message Not That Inspiring00:01:0405/14/2008
Bear Searches For Food Inside Backpacker00:00:5905/13/2008
Rubik's Cube Solved With Hammer00:00:4005/12/2008
Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop00:00:4805/11/2008
India's Top Physicists Develop Plan To Get The Hell Out Of India00:00:4105/10/2008
Cheney Adds Rare '64 Kuwait To Oil Cellar00:00:5105/09/2008
Enterprising Dog Opens Own Kennel00:00:4605/08/2008
Breakthrough Heinz Bottle Shoots Ketchup With Laser-Like Precision00:00:5305/07/2008
Pope Stays Up All Night Telling God About Trip To America00:00:5405/06/2008
Pope Stays Up All Night Telling God About Trip To America00:00:5405/06/2008
Four-Year Descent Into Complete Self-Obsession Live-Blogged00:00:5705/05/2008
Four-Year Descent Into Complete Self-Obsession Live-Blogged00:00:5705/05/2008
Longtime Sexual Fantasy Awkwardly Fulfilled00:00:5605/04/2008
Longtime Sexual Fantasy Awkwardly Fulfilled00:00:5605/04/2008
Urinator Apprehended00:00:5005/03/2008
Urinator Apprehended00:00:5005/03/2008
Workaholic Wakes Up In Pool Of Own Paperwork00:00:5305/02/2008
Workaholic Wakes Up In Pool Of Own Paperwork00:00:5305/02/2008
President Bush Unveils New 'Impotence Only' Sex Policy00:01:0005/01/2008
President Bush Unveils New 'Impotence Only' Sex Policy00:01:0005/01/2008
Rowdy Teens Take Over Local Perkins00:01:1404/30/2008
Rowdy Teens Take Over Local Perkins00:01:1404/30/2008
Area Kindergartner Tackles The Shit Out Of Dream Girl00:00:5504/29/2008
Area Kindergartner Tackles The Shit Out Of Dream Girl00:00:5504/29/2008
Researchers Discover Massive Asshole In Blogosphere00:00:5904/28/2008
Researchers Discover Massive Asshole In Blogosphere00:00:5904/28/2008
Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot00:01:1204/27/2008
Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot00:01:1204/27/2008
Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes00:01:0304/26/2008
Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes00:01:0304/26/2008
Entire Coffee Cake Consumed Over Trash Can00:00:5904/25/2008
Entire Coffee Cake Consumed Over Trash Can00:00:5904/25/2008
Convicted Forger Freed By Presidential Pardon00:00:5404/24/2008
Convicted Forger Freed By Presidential Pardon00:00:5404/24/2008
Amtrak's New Lady Train Debuts00:01:0104/23/2008
Amtrak's New Lady Train Debuts00:01:0104/23/2008
Congress Overrun By Wolves00:01:1204/22/2008
Congress Overrun By Wolves00:01:1204/22/2008
Passover Seder Half-Assed00:00:5404/21/2008
Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot00:00:5604/20/2008
Plan 'L' Switched To00:00:5004/19/2008
Vacationing Teen Introduces Wilco To West Indies00:00:5704/18/2008
Panicked Diver Forgets Everything Except Capital Of Delaware00:00:5104/17/2008
Giant Greenhouse Built Over Nation Blamed For Climate Change00:00:5804/16/2008
If There's A Ferret Heaven, Area Woman's Dead Ferret Is In it00:00:5204/15/2008
Guys Night Out To Feature Several Key Non-Guys00:00:5804/14/2008
Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day00:00:5504/13/2008
New Colored Light Added To Traffic Signals00:00:5304/12/2008
Gypsy Curse Lifted From Montana00:01:0204/11/2008
46,000 Vacuumed Out Of White House Couch00:00:5304/10/2008
Cheney Re-Grows Limb In Front Of Shocked Advisers00:00:4604/09/2008
Hostage Taken Out For Night On The Town00:00:5404/08/2008
Pope Condemns College Of Cardinals For Host-Flicking00:00:5304/07/2008
Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room00:00:3904/06/2008
Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again00:00:4404/05/2008
FDA Approves Napalm Breast Implants00:00:4604/04/2008
New Personal MRIs Allow Paparazzi To Scan Celebrity Organs00:00:5304/03/2008
Hillary Receives 3 a.m. Phone Call From Drunken Bill Clinton00:00:5904/02/2008
New U.S. Smiley-Face Dollar To Boost Economy00:00:5204/01/2008
McDonald's Birthday Party To Be Happiest Time In Child's Life00:00:5203/31/2008
Move To Houseboat Regretted By Third Day00:00:4603/30/2008
Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?00:00:4103/29/2008
Tropical Storm Brings Deadly Cloud Of Worthless Knickknacks Up East Coast00:00:5903/28/2008
Microwavable Steak Renews Area Man's Faith In Humanity00:00:5003/27/2008
Congress Calls For Removal Of Land Mines From Congress00:01:0303/26/2008
Federal Reserve Announces Emergency Release Of Butterflies00:00:5703/25/2008
Everything On Area Man's Ipod Just There As A Joke00:00:4803/24/2008
Peeping Tom Sick And Tired Of Watching People Watch Television00:00:4803/23/2008
Former American Gladiator Still Insists Friends Call Him Turbo00:00:5203/22/2008
Faith Healer Calls In Faith Gastroenterologist00:00:4903/21/2008
Mysteriocrats Nominate Shadowy Figure For President00:00:5103/20/2008
Last Mozzarella Stick Sacrificed In Herculean Display Of Good Manners00:00:5203/19/2008
President Bush Accidentally Signs Cast Into Law00:00:5703/18/2008
Organic Hunter Relies On Chronic Wasting Disease To Kill Deer00:01:0303/17/2008
Couple Upstairs Going At It Again00:00:3903/15/2008
Imaginary Rock Band Causes Real Falling Out Among Friends00:00:5803/14/2008
Area Man's Pleasing Aroma Will Be Missed00:00:5803/13/2008
U.S. To Adopt Caste System00:00:5803/12/2008
McCain Captures Wild Delegates Roaming Western Plains00:01:0203/11/2008
Heroin Addiction Picked Up Where Area Man Left Off00:00:4903/10/2008
Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ00:00:4103/09/2008
Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic00:00:4303/08/2008
New Blog Gives Much Needed Look Into World Of Geoff00:01:0103/07/2008
Pregnant Circus Geek Now Biting Heads Off Chicken For Two00:01:0803/06/2008
Report: 1998 Was Ten Fucking Years Ago00:01:0003/05/2008
Evacuation Plan Includes Foosball Table00:00:5503/04/2008
Stock Market Unsure How To React To Boron Shortage00:00:5303/03/2008
Stupid Thing Won't Work00:00:4503/02/2008
Mexico Announces Plans To Refry Over 700 Million Beans00:00:4103/01/2008
Presidential Candidate Thinks That's A Good Idea But We Should Go Farther00:00:5602/29/2008
Supreme Court Rewards Base With Fan Appreciation Day00:00:5902/28/2008
Mechanical Pencils Turn On Their Human Overlords00:01:1602/27/2008
Bridal Association Of America Blasts Nation's Groomsmen00:01:0202/26/2008
60% Of Federal Budget Wasted On Eating Out00:00:5702/25/2008
Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty00:00:3902/24/2008
Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene00:00:4802/23/2008
CIA Finally Unseats Fidel Castro With Retirement Cigar00:01:1002/22/2008
North Korea Takes Technical-Assistance Jobs From India By Force00:01:1202/21/2008
Search Continues For Articulate Witness Of Tragedy00:00:5702/20/2008
Country Mouse Raped By City Mouse00:00:5102/19/2008
Miss America Loses Crown In Double-Or-Nothing Pageant00:00:4902/18/2008
ACLU Defends Nazi's Right To Burn Down ACLU's Headquarters00:00:4302/17/2008
Exxon Paleontologists Call For Increased U.S. Fossil Production00:00:4402/16/2008
New Pipeline Threatens Migrating Baby Boomers00:01:0402/15/2008
Bow Hunter Learns A Lot About Bears In Six Seconds00:00:5302/14/2008
Dead iPod Returns To Life Every Year On Anniversary Of Death00:01:0302/13/2008
Man Channels Love Of America Through Car Horn00:01:0702/12/2008
New Video Game Tied To Rash Of Head Explosions00:01:0202/11/2008
Nation Demands Easier Instructions00:00:4302/10/2008
Fire Hot00:00:3402/09/2008
U.S. Department Of Over-Analysis Issues Rambling, Inconclusive Report00:00:5302/08/2008
North Korean Spy Satellite Aimed At Area Man's Wide-Screen TV00:00:5902/06/2008
Coworker Brings Vigilante Justice To Break Room00:00:4702/06/2008
Duck Call Receives Overwhelming Response00:00:4502/05/2008
Depressed Cow Eats Entire Haystack00:00:5502/04/2008
Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban00:00:4602/03/2008
Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out In Front Of Area Man00:00:3702/02/2008
Report: Netflix Has Received Red Dwarf Series Three: Disc Two00:00:5602/01/2008
Nation's Bachelors Demand Health-Care Coverage For All Their Buddies00:00:5401/31/2008
Pep Squad Accused Of Using Power Of Pep For Personal Gain00:00:5601/29/2008
Lucille Calls Police On B.B. King00:01:0801/29/2008
New Global-Social-Positioning System To Help Lost Drivers Avoid Poor People00:00:5701/28/2008
Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into Forest00:00:3801/27/2008
Chrysler Discontinues Neck-Belts00:00:4601/26/2008
Haves Work $3.6 Trillion Deal To Acquire Have-Nots00:00:5301/25/2008
Tour Bus Leaves With Wrong Passed-Out Drummer00:00:5501/24/2008
Britney Spears' Fragrance Soldiers On Without Her00:00:5301/23/2008
Report: 2007 Christmas Season Had Fewest Miracles On Record00:01:0001/22/2008
Ambulance Told To Shut Up00:01:0001/21/2008
Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia Two-To-One00:00:4701/20/2008
Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'00:00:3101/19/2008
Suit Of Armor More Hassle Than It's Worth00:00:5101/18/2008
Department Of Treasure Releases 2008 Doubloons00:00:5601/17/2008
Minimalist Roller Coaster Designer Refuses To Use Loops00:00:5801/16/2008
Disease-Free Water Tops List Of World's Most Popular Beverages00:01:0401/15/2008
Bait-Shop Employee Hoping Bait Blog Will Get Him Fired00:00:5601/13/2008
Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness00:00:3901/12/2008
Plane Delay Leaves Hundreds Whiny00:00:3701/11/2008
Swanson Foods Launches Hungry Man Line Of Apparel00:00:5401/10/2008
Detergent-Sponsored Version Of "MacBeth" Considerably Different00:01:0101/09/2008
Construction Of Stretch Of Turnpike Has Been Going On Since, Like, 199700:00:5701/08/2008
Senator Receives Yet Another Handgun Gift Basket From NRA00:00:5501/07/2008
Area Man Thinks He Can Save Relationship With Pancakes00:00:5001/06/2008
Gore Begins Training For 2004 Election In Remote Mountain Cabin00:00:5501/06/2008
Congressional Fellatio Eliminated00:00:4501/05/2008
Hundreds Of Republicans Hurt In Rush To Discredit Kerry00:00:5601/04/2008
Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington00:00:5801/03/2008
Congress Overturns Ban On Lawn Darts00:01:0001/01/2008
President Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Crappy Jobs00:00:4901/01/2008
Nigeria Elects Black President00:01:1012/31/2007
Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball00:00:5212/30/2007
Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes Error Of His Ways00:00:5412/29/2007
Sports Fan Thinks He May Have Torn Rotator Cuff00:00:5612/28/2007
Baseball Imposes Tough New 'Three-Strikes-You're-Out' Rule00:00:4512/27/2007
George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own Grill00:00:4812/26/2007
Don King Enjoys Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich00:00:4312/25/2007
NASA, NASCAR Merge00:01:1312/24/2007
American Cancer Society Unveils 1.2-Megaton Anti-Cancer Missile00:00:3912/23/2007
God To Use Powers For Evil00:00:3612/22/2007
Ford Unveils New Bridge-Collapse-Proof Car00:01:3112/21/2007
Former President George H.W. Bush Announces Plan To Hunt, Kill Blue Whale00:01:3112/20/2007
National Beard Growers Association Claims Entire '08 Crop Lost To Hot Day00:01:3112/18/2007
White House Paintball Team Not The Same Without Rove00:01:4012/17/2007
Tortilla-Chip Supply Dwindling, Reports Man On Couch00:00:4012/16/2007
Long-Awaited Baby Boomer Die-Off To Begin Soon00:00:4612/15/2007
Area Woman Crowned Miss Thang 200700:00:5712/14/2007
Barky Dog Just Going Bark, Bark, Bark00:00:5212/13/2007
President Bush Ditches Visiting Dignitary At Congress00:00:5812/12/2007
10-Year-Old Boy Discovers Fire00:01:0412/11/2007
Conductor Vows To Whip Ragtag Elementary School Chorus Into Shape By Christmas00:00:5112/10/2007
Jewish Texans Commemorate Holocaust...Texas-Style!00:00:3712/09/2007
White Castle Plundered By Turks00:00:3512/08/2007
Explosion-Themed Movie Tops Weekend Box Office00:00:5412/06/2007
God Makes Spanish Official Language Of Christianity00:00:5112/05/2007
Retired Hobo Afraid He's Losing His Hobo Chops00:00:4812/04/2007
Area Homosexual Outed By Common Sense00:00:4612/03/2007
Style Replaces Substance00:00:3212/02/2007
Bill Clinton To Become Spokesman For Manwich00:00:2812/01/2007
Marriage Of Fat Cousin Sends Shockwaves Through Area Family00:00:4411/30/2007
Drug Czar Toppled By Drug Bolsheviks00:00:5311/29/2007
ABC Executive Now Writing All Their Shows Himself00:00:4811/27/2007
Neurotic Asshole Finds Success In New York City00:00:4911/26/2007
Earth Made Child-Safe00:00:3911/24/2007
Bored Sea Captain Secretly Marries Crew To Each Other00:00:4711/21/2007
Officer Passed Over For General Still Asked To Contribute Battle Plans00:00:4911/20/2007
String Of Nine Missed Periods Ends Spectacularly00:00:4111/16/2007
Cookies Mysteriously Disappear From Police Evidence Room00:00:4511/15/2007
God Agrees To Postpone Apocalypse Until After Christmas00:00:4811/13/2007
Radically Less Cool Lifestyle Born To Area Couple00:00:4911/12/2007
Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito00:00:3611/11/2007
New Silt Deposits A Hit With Local Oyster Community00:00:5211/09/2007
Blues Musician To U.N.: 'Yemen Done Me Wrong'00:00:4911/09/2007
Apartment Built On Sacred Samoan Land Brings No Complaints From Residents00:00:4911/08/2007
Talks Between Movers, Shakers Break Down At 11th Hour00:00:4711/07/2007
Area Man Wants You To Smell His New Bag Of Weed00:00:4311/06/2007
Missing Hubcap Found Face Down In Ditch00:00:4111/05/2007
Giant 6-Year-Old Devastates Ant Community00:00:3911/04/2007
Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work00:00:3811/03/2007
Student Council Campaign Raises $130 Million00:00:4511/02/2007
Area Sales Staff Jealous Of Dead Coworker00:00:4311/01/2007
Count Dracula Stripped Of Title By Transylvanian Authorities00:00:5610/31/2007
Area Woman Saved From Burning Wreck Only To Die 40 Years Later00:00:4510/30/2007
Archangel Gabriel Has Great Idea For Screenplay00:00:4410/29/2007
Microsoft Sold To Crows00:00:3510/28/2007
Hippie Dances Ecstatically00:00:2910/27/2007
Stupid Fucking Mistake Ruining Whole Fucking Day00:00:5010/26/2007
Area Man Not Interested In Your Life Story00:00:3710/25/2007
Zeus Takes Form Of Shirtless Man00:00:4110/24/2007
Crossword Editor Obviously Guilty In String Of Nurse Murders00:00:4510/23/2007
Diabetic Child's Survival Hinges On Contents Of Pi??ata00:00:4210/22/2007
Nation Shocked By Pre-Natal Shooting00:00:4210/21/2007
Man On TV Urges Mass Purchase Of Listerine00:00:5510/20/2007
Bomb Shelter All Set For World Without Doritos00:00:4410/19/2007
Hooters Hires Another Shauna00:00:4710/18/2007
Congress Allocates $500 Billion To Combat Unexplained Rattling Noise In Congressional Car00:00:5910/17/2007
What's Left Of Pamela Anderson Married Again00:00:5210/16/2007
Four Dead After Man Loses Control Of Dowsing Rod00:00:5310/15/2007
Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breaking Up00:00:3610/14/2007
Hershey's Ordered To Pay Obese Americans $135 Billion00:00:4810/13/2007
Former Defense Secretary Rumsfeld Seen Shivering In Autumn Wind00:00:5010/12/2007
Eighth-Grade Reading List Heavily Favors Stuff That Sucks Big TIme00:00:5110/11/2007
President Of Mexico Eaten Alive By President-Eating Fish00:01:1110/10/2007
Christian Slater Reports That Christian Slater Has Still Got That Christian Slater Magic00:00:4610/09/2007
New Report Puts America Behind In Psychic-Prediction Race00:00:5310/08/2007
Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible00:00:4710/07/2007
Most Terrorists Fail To Start Day With Good Breakfast00:00:4410/06/2007
Girl You Came With Seems More Interested In Talking To Mr. Slicko Over There00:00:4810/05/2007
Mother Worries CEO Son Might Fall Out Of Corner-Office Window00:00:5210/04/2007
Dame Walks In WIth Legs Up To Here00:00:4310/02/2007
Lazy Scientist Leaves Sink Full Of Dirty Molecules00:00:5710/01/2007
Spokeswoman Gives Birth To Spokeschild00:01:0309/30/2007
Guy At Bank Has Weird Hair For Guy Who Works At Bank00:00:5309/29/2007
Eskimo Chef Works Magic With Blubber, Moss00:00:4909/28/2007
Shipwrecked Carnival Cruise Passengers Abandon Maritime Buffet Rules00:00:5109/27/2007
2008 Hamas Calendar Features Photos Of Stuff They've Blown Up00:00:5309/26/2007
Britney Spears Leaves Mysterious Stain On The Red Carpet00:00:5909/25/2007
ATF Agent Also ATF Connoisseur00:00:5209/24/2007
Heroic Cancer Sufferer Inspires Others To Get Cancer00:00:5409/23/2007
Crazy Man Announces Plan To Stand In Doorway, Yell At Cars00:00:4909/22/2007
Childhood Enemies Rekindle Childhood Hatred00:00:4609/21/2007
Loss Of Tattooed Arm Even More Devastating For Area Man00:00:4209/20/2007
Unemployed Karl Rove Forced To Live On Canned Babies00:00:5309/19/2007
God Spending All His Time At Billy's House00:00:4109/18/2007
God Spending All His Time At Billy's House00:00:4109/18/2007
Area Man Has Falling Out With Society00:00:3909/17/2007
Plenty Of Soda Still Available Across Nation00:00:5209/16/2007
Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does00:00:4809/15/2007
Florida Town Mentally Prepares For Hurricane00:00:4709/14/2007
New Hospital To Celebrate Grand Opening With Free Health-Insurance Samples00:00:4409/13/2007
Groom Parachutes Into Wrong Wedding00:00:4209/12/2007
Scientists Dissect Coworker To Learn More About Scientists00:00:4509/11/2007
School Board Votes To Allow Teasing Of Area Sixth-Grader00:00:4509/10/2007
MIT Researchers Discover Each Other00:00:4709/09/2007
Demographers Postulate Existence Of Life Forms Over 3500:00:4609/08/2007
Celebrating Hardware Customer Buys Everyone Round Of Dry-Wall Screws00:00:4209/07/2007
Ghost Just Dropped By To Say 'Boo'00:00:4609/06/2007
Study: 8 Out Of 10 Southerners Are Currently Hunkered Down00:00:4709/05/2007
Spy Has Coolest Way Of Hiding Alcoholism From Wife00:00:4709/04/2007
Hedge-Fund Manager Invests Millions In Spouse's Appearance00:00:4209/03/2007
Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck00:00:4409/02/2007
Song About Heroin Used To Advertise Bank00:00:5009/01/2007
Monarch Butterfly Begins 2,000-Mile Migration Toward Windshield00:00:4908/31/2007
New Prosthetic Fist Restores Area Man's Ability To Punch00:00:4408/30/2007
Heaven To Return 3.6 Billion Souls For Re-Judging00:00:4308/29/2007
Drunk Astronauts Let Chimp Land Shuttle00:00:5008/28/2007
Office Photocopier Rules Learned The Hard Way00:00:4508/27/2007
Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'00:00:5108/26/2007
Defense Attorneys Argue Raped Environment Led Polluters On00:00:4808/25/2007
Custody Fight Thrown00:00:3808/24/2007
Report: Diary Of Anne Frank May Have Hurt Numerous S.S. Officers' Feelings00:00:4808/23/2007
World's Dietitians Urge America To Reduce Mayonnaise Footprint00:00:4508/22/2007
Failure In Iraq Blamed On White House Intern00:00:4408/21/2007
Transplant Recipient Still Getting Feel For New Pancreas00:00:4508/20/2007
Suicide Attempts A Desperate Cry For Death00:00:5208/19/2007
Minnesota Too Polite To Ask For Federal Funding00:00:3908/18/2007
17-Year Locusts Can't Believe Red Hot Chili Peppers Are Still Around00:00:4508/17/2007
Lottery Winner Finally Fulfills Her Tackiest Dreams00:00:4508/16/2007
Millions Of Houses Left Abandoned This Morning00:00:5208/15/2007
Fitness Buff Faces Long, Drawn-Out Death00:00:4908/14/2007
Science-Fair Carny Correctly Guesses Atomic Weight00:00:5508/13/2007
Another Comedian Ruined By Parenthood00:00:5508/12/2007
Chinese Announce Alliance With The Ants00:01:0908/11/2007
Your Cousin Says Prison Food Not So Bad00:00:4408/10/2007
New York Tourist Acting Like She's Never Been Hit By Cab Before00:00:4608/09/2007
Department Of Defense Locked Out Of Pentagon Again00:00:5308/08/2007
Area Coroner To Work From Home Today00:00:4708/07/2007
30 Percent Of Man's Wealth Tied Up In Gift Cards00:00:4708/06/2007
Pudding Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below00:00:5208/05/2007
Insurance Executive Fakes Own Life00:00:5508/04/2007
New Jimmy Buffett Song 'Cold Weather and Personal Responsibility' Disappoints Long-Time Fans00:00:4408/03/2007
Hooker Refuses To Take More Sex As Payment00:00:4408/02/2007
Arby's Debuts New Post-Apocalyptic Sandwich Deals00:00:4408/01/2007
World War II Veterans Called Back To Fight In Iraq00:00:4407/31/2007
Singer For Puddle Of Mudd Hears A Lot Of Puddle Of Mudd In Today's Bands00:00:4307/30/2007
Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite00:00:4407/29/2007
Florida Man Dies Totally Differently Than He Lived00:00:3907/28/2007
Local Man Won't Eat Anything Unless It's On Fire00:00:4507/27/2007
Report: 12-Year-Old Was Under Influence Of Mountain Dew At Time Of Bike Crash00:00:4207/26/2007
Bomb Squad Member Takes 7 Hours To Open Birthday Present00:00:4807/25/2007
Vatican Apologizes For Torture, Murder Of Steven Hawking It's Stephen Hawking00:00:4407/24/2007
Area Teen Has Better Things To Do Than Kick Your Ass00:00:4107/23/2007
Doctor Unable To Hide Excitement From Patient With Rare Disease00:00:4907/22/2007
Area Man Feels Guilty For Hating Annoying, Gay Coworker00:00:4907/21/2007
Do-It-Yourselfer Drywalls With His Gut00:00:4107/20/2007
Army Of Dead Has No Problem Meeting Recruitment Goals00:00:5107/18/2007
Christian Loan Shark Prays For Strength To Break Another Thumb00:00:4407/17/2007
Bush Orders F-16 Flyover To Cheer Himself Up00:00:0607/16/2007
Area Man Forces Self To Drink Another Free Refill00:00:5307/15/2007
Cage Match Settles Nothing00:00:5707/14/2007
Woman Puts Cool Whip Containers To Every Conceivable Use00:00:5207/13/2007
FDA Recommends The Blue Marlin00:00:5207/12/2007
Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta To Ground00:00:4407/11/2007
Binge Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says New Orleans Journal Of Medicine00:00:4407/10/2007
Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On Street00:00:5307/09/2007
Navy Admiral Considers Death Of Son Within Acceptable Loss Range00:01:0507/08/2007
U.S. To Slow Down Relationship With Uruguay00:01:0107/07/2007
Coffee Roaster Tries To Come Up With Patriotic Blend00:00:5407/06/2007
U.S. Upset After Aliens Land In Italy00:00:5607/05/2007
Historian Has Big News For Grover Cleveland Fans00:00:5007/04/2007
White House Declares War On DSL Provider00:00:4807/03/2007
Miss Teen USA Seizes Crown, Declares Self Miss Teen USA For Life00:00:3507/02/2007
Bloodthirsty, Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate-Cereal Consumption00:00:4607/01/2007
Some Dork Brought In To Address Civics Class00:00:5306/30/2007
Local Pastor Solves Problem By Quoting Scripture00:00:4906/29/2007
Stranger In Black Solves Small-Town Zoning Dispute00:00:4906/28/2007
Alabama Braces For Raccoon Attacks After Coonhounds Go Missing00:00:4106/27/2007
New Defense Appropriations Bill Finally Allows Army To Buy Nice Bullets00:00:5006/26/2007
'Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah' To Be Adapted Into Major Motion Picture00:00:5106/25/2007
Awkward Tension Mistaken For Sexual Tension00:00:4306/24/2007
GEICO Saves 15 Percent Or More By Discontinuing Advertising00:00:4406/23/2007
Area Man Mows Around Dead Body00:00:4106/22/2007
U.N. Report Says Iran Now Capable Of Launching Nuclear Reactor00:00:5006/21/2007
Water Balloon Attacks Hurting Lemonade Stand's Bottom Line00:00:4206/20/2007
Sexy Alien Does Not Understand This Thing Earthlings Call 'Love'00:00:4006/19/2007
Entire Meal Pig-Based00:00:3906/18/2007
St. Christopher Statue Embedded In Motorist's Forehead00:00:3806/17/2007
Dolph Lundgren Wins Long, Courageous Battle With Fame00:00:5106/16/2007
Surprise Witness Punches Out Prosecutor00:00:3806/15/2007
Nerds Take Over Military Base With Computers, Other Nerd Shit00:00:5106/14/2007
New Total-Fucking-Mess Czar To Oversee America's Total Fucking Messes00:00:5406/13/2007
Pope Unveils New Christ Hammer00:00:4506/12/2007
New Cruise Ship Constructed Entirely From Buffets00:00:4706/11/2007
Scientific Journal Releases List of Top 100 Compounds00:00:5906/10/2007
Phantom Of The Opera Viewers Treated For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder00:00:5906/09/2007
Company Produces Lifestyle, Not Corn Chip00:00:5506/08/2007
Local Man Glad To Find There Was Nothing Personal Behind Murder Of Family00:00:5206/07/2007
Teen Injured Mimicking Crucifixion He Saw On Christian TV00:00:5806/06/2007
Secret Service Agent Takes Out Dandelion On White House Lawn00:00:4506/05/2007
Aging Man Softens Stance On Fat Chicks00:00:5006/04/2007
Ducks Only Interested In Area Man's Bread00:00:5306/03/2007
World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice00:00:5706/02/2007
Springsteen To Honor Troops By Extending North American Tour00:00:5006/01/2007
Panic Attack Counted As Exercise00:00:5005/31/2007
Game Shows Now No. 1 Cause Of Death In Japan00:00:5205/30/2007
Texas Jury Awards Victims $9 Million In Barbecue00:00:5305/29/2007
Detroit Tourism Board's 'Hidden Detroit' Campaign Results In 24 Deaths00:00:4305/27/2007
Dog Experiences Best Day Of Life For 400th Consecutive Day00:00:4505/26/2007
Armless Fiancée Shows Off Engagement Hat00:00:5205/25/2007
Fraternity Brother Forced To Find Asshole Friends In Real World00:00:5205/24/2007
Fate Of Soul Uncertain After Mid-Baptismal Drowning00:00:4805/23/2007
Nation's Wood Nymphs Unveil Plan To Reduce Dependance On Foreign Dew Drops00:00:4805/22/2007
Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Honors Tuskegee Air Guitarists00:00:5105/21/2007
Ascending Soul Already Misses Possessions00:00:5305/20/2007
Everyone On Campus Afraid Of That One Bar00:00:4005/19/2007
Single Errand Proves Too Overwhelming For Man On Day Off00:00:4705/18/2007
Fall From Pommel Horse Puts Cheney's 2008 Olympic Hopes In Doubt00:00:4505/17/2007
Only Gay Guy In Office Says He's Not Only Gay Guy In Office00:00:4205/16/2007
U.S. Troops Fortified With Hot, Nutritious Breakfast00:00:5705/15/2007
Airport Security Pig Finds Concealed Truffles00:00:4505/14/2007
Ex-Girlfriend Playing Virtua Fighter With Some Other Guy Now00:00:4405/13/2007
Woman Only Dates On National Television Now00:00:4505/12/2007
91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving00:00:5205/11/2007
Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer00:00:4305/10/2007
Slightly Upset Woman Declared Insane00:00:4505/09/2007
Aspiring Actress' Vagina Photographed00:00:3805/08/2007
Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again00:00:4905/07/2007
American Robot's Job Outsourced Overseas00:00:5205/06/2007
Loft Apartments Converted Into Mayonnaise Factory00:00:4405/05/2007
Onion Radio News Announces Annual Poetry Contest-Winner00:00:5205/04/2007
Old Sheriff In Town Doing Perfectly Adequate Job00:00:4905/03/2007
Pepsi May Have Used Faulty Taste-Test Results To Lead Nation Into Cola Wars00:00:4805/02/2007
Area Man Tests Limits Of Human Stomach00:00:4505/01/2007
Rapper-Turned-Actor Turns Orthodontist00:00:4004/30/2007
Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School00:00:4404/29/2007
Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School00:00:4904/28/2007
International Star Registry Accidently Renames Sun 'Margaret'00:00:4704/27/2007
Pizza Hut's New Pizza-Lover's Pizza Topped With Smaller Pizzas00:00:4604/26/2007
President Bush Reaches Out To Nation's Fallen Bees00:00:5004/25/2007
Man Shows Up At Arcade With Own Set Of Skee Balls00:00:4504/24/2007
Aging God Fitted For Omni-Focals00:00:4204/24/2007
Long Talk Seems To Satisfy Girlfriend00:00:3904/23/2007
Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays00:00:4804/22/2007
State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack00:00:5404/21/2007
NASA To Crack Down On Practical Jokes00:00:4504/20/2007
Birthday Candles Puked Out00:00:5104/19/2007
Bomb-Sniffing Dog Gets 6-Cent Treat For Saving Los Angeles00:00:4504/18/2007
Aging God Fitted For Omni-Focals00:00:4204/17/2007
Brave Actor Does Own Publicity Stunts00:00:4704/16/2007
Grocery-Store Worker Can No Longer Bear To Eat Food00:00:5604/15/2007
Deadbeat Dads March On Las Vegas00:00:4604/14/2007
Suicide Delayed By Discovery Of Mini-Snickers00:00:4604/13/2007
Sea Monkeys Claimed As Dependents00:00:4704/12/2007
Cheney Spends 2-Week Vacation Lying Motionless In Open Grave00:00:5404/11/2007
Area Eccentric Leaves Behind Estate Worth 20 Million Golf Balls00:00:5104/10/2007
Spelling-Bee Winner Fails To Spell Way Out Of Schoolyard Beating00:00:4204/09/2007
America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag00:00:4904/08/2007
Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House00:00:3904/07/2007
Viking God Odin Down To Last 4 Worshippers00:00:4104/06/2007
Binge Eater Doesn't Even Remember Entering Fourth KFC00:00:4204/05/2007
Charades Player Dying Up There00:00:5804/04/2007
Iraqi Insurgent Takes Day Off To Do Some Personal Killing00:00:4904/03/2007
Elderly Woman Can't Get Over Your Child's Hair00:00:5104/02/2007
Wendy's New Homestyle Chicken Strip Salad Shamelessly Touted00:00:5504/01/2007
John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian00:00:4803/31/2007
Beached Whale Flashed Repeatedly By Coeds On Spring Break00:01:0003/30/2007
Woman's Actual Orgasm Fails To Convince Local Man00:00:4703/28/2007
Tony Snow Deftly Sidesteps Topic Of Own Sanity00:00:4803/28/2007
Winner Of Lifetime Supply Of Scope Gargles Fool Head Off00:00:4503/27/2007
Final McNugget Savored00:00:4403/26/2007
U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq00:00:4503/25/2007
Bush Deploys 20,000 Wishful Thoughts To Iraq00:00:4803/23/2007
Insurgent Secretly Terrified Of Winning Control Of Iraq00:00:5503/21/2007
Area Beehive Not Ready For Democracy00:00:5603/20/2007
Final McNugget Savored00:00:4403/19/2007
Area Bedroom Has That Weird Jeff Smell, Housemates Report00:00:4403/18/2007
Area Bedroom Has That Weird Jeff Smell, Housemates Report00:00:4403/18/2007
Sen. Orrin Hatch Mistakenly Left Dangling In Bondage-Fetish Dungeon00:00:4403/17/2007
Sen. Orrin Hatch Mistakenly Left Dangling In Bondage-Fetish Dungeon00:00:4403/17/2007
Google Steps In To Help U.S. With Google Navy00:00:4803/16/2007
Google Steps In To Help U.S. With Google Navy00:00:4803/16/2007
Furniture Store Owner Assumed Family Would Be In Commercials For Free00:00:4603/15/2007
Furniture Store Owner Assumed Family Would Be In Commercials For Free00:00:4603/15/2007
Kerry Blasts Bush's Breakfast Plan00:00:4703/14/2007
Kerry Blasts Bush's Breakfast Plan00:00:4703/14/2007
Area Dad Swaggers Proudly Around House After Killing Intruder00:00:4503/13/2007
Water Park Promises More Fun Than Water Capable Of Delivering00:00:4703/12/2007
ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year00:00:5003/11/2007
Mall Of Central America Looted On Opening Day00:00:5303/10/2007
New Couch Practically Begging To Be Puked On00:00:3603/09/2007
Desperate Drug Addict Driven To Get Job00:00:5203/08/2007
Afghanistan Handed Over To Robots00:00:4603/07/2007
Romantic Evening Squandered On Wife00:00:4703/06/2007
Abstinence-Only Education Ruined By Trip To Zoo00:00:5303/05/2007
Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That00:00:5003/04/2007
Zambia Tired Of Being Mentioned In 'News Of The Weird' Section00:00:4903/03/2007
73-Year-Old Hells Angel Beats Pension Out Of Benefits Manager00:00:4603/02/2007
Terror, Drugs, Poverty Redouble Efforts Against U.S.00:00:5303/01/2007
Fired Muscle Magazine Editor Will Arm Wrestle For Job00:00:5802/28/2007
America's Peanut Farmers Launch Vicious Cashew Smear Campaign00:00:5702/27/2007
Senator Rewards Daughter With Classified Information00:01:0102/26/2007
Woman With Amazing Rack Told She Has Beautiful Eyes00:00:5302/25/2007
Series Of Serial-Killer Killings Rocks Serial-Killer Community00:00:5302/24/2007
Dick Cheney Can't Get Enough New Hearts00:00:4802/23/2007
Angry Girlfriend Has Trouble Storming Out Of Rotating Restaurant00:01:0102/22/2007
Fight On Top Of Moving Train Not Looking Good For Area Villain00:00:5902/21/2007
God Recalls Tracheas Of Millions Of Indonesians00:00:5402/20/2007
Junior Executive Awarded Second-Place Trophy Wife00:00:4902/19/2007
Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station00:00:5302/18/2007
Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive00:00:4502/17/2007
Sleazy Website Will Link To Anything00:00:4602/16/2007
President Bush Sacrifices National Lamb00:00:4702/15/2007
Meat Shelf Breaks Free Of Iowa00:00:4202/14/2007
Full-Time Mother Drinking On The Job Again00:00:4802/13/2007
Dad's Bedtime Stories Actually Recycled 90210 Plot Lines00:00:4902/12/2007
Alabama Environmentalists Lobbies For Solar-Power Electric Chair00:00:5302/11/2007
Area Man Accidentally Signs Up to AOL Latino00:00:5302/10/2007
Wal-Mart To Employ 80,000 Iraq Veterans As Greeters00:00:4602/09/2007
Wal-Mart To Employ 80,000 Iraq Veterans As Greeters00:00:4602/09/2007
Brilliant Scientist Trying To Get Word Out About Penis-Enlargement Breakthrough00:01:0102/08/2007
Moment Of Silence Interrupted By New Tragedy00:00:4902/07/2007
Fifteen-Year Reunion Of Former Soviet States Disappointing00:00:4802/06/2007
New Bono-Rail To Transport U2 At The Speed Of Rock00:00:5202/05/2007
Great-Grandmother Isn't Actually That Great00:00:4702/04/2007
U.S. Gives Up Trying To Impress England00:00:5402/03/2007
Bush Deploys 20,000 Wishful Thoughts To Iraq00:00:4802/02/2007
Astronaut Returns From Space Walk Reeking Of Booze00:00:5102/01/2007
Haitian Parents Couldn't Be Prouder Of Witch-Doctor Son00:00:5001/31/2007
Scientists Create First Test-Tube Sandwich00:00:4601/30/2007
35 Years Of Manhood Summoned To Open Tight Bottle-Cap00:00:4201/29/2007
Pawn-Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back00:00:4601/28/2007
14-Year-Old Girl Denied Pony Keg For Birthday00:00:4701/27/2007
Grown Woman Flirts At Grade-School Level00:00:4201/26/2007
Calendar Of Dead Child Still Good For 11 Months00:00:4101/25/2007
Speaker Pelosi To Impress Congress By Eating 50 Hard-Boiled Eggs00:00:4901/24/2007
Coalition Of Hobos, Raccoons Collapses Over Meaty Bone00:00:5501/23/2007
Pretty, Stupid Actress To Turn Down Stupid, Pretty Roles00:00:4801/22/2007
Kentucky Senior Finds Human Thong In Driveway00:00:4601/21/2007
Motivational Tape Gets Man Excited For 20 Minutes00:00:4301/20/2007
White House Hints At Surprise Twist Ending To Bush Presidency00:00:4701/19/2007
Maverick Tugboat Captain Doesn't Give Damn What Tugboat Manual Says00:00:4701/18/2007
Small-Town Man Dazzled By Big-City Cocks00:00:4601/17/2007
General Electric Wins Bid To Illuminate Path To Enlightenment00:00:4601/16/2007
Popular Science Names Polonium 'Periodic Table Element Of The Year'00:00:5701/15/2007
Former Couple To Remain Friends Until One Finds New Sex Partner00:00:4601/14/2007
Apartment Creates Illusion Of Well-Rounded Life00:00:5501/13/2007
Child Makes Lovely Conversation Piece00:00:5201/12/2007
Elk Majestically Tramples Three00:00:5601/11/2007
Chinese Stuff Live Panda Into Time Capsule00:00:5901/10/2007
Relapsed Alcoholic Takes Back All His Apologies00:00:4901/09/2007
Trent Lott Smashes Through Senate Wall00:00:5901/08/2007
Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs00:00:4601/07/2007
Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotions00:00:4301/06/2007
Rundown-Amusement-Park Owner Sleeps In Bumper Car00:00:4401/05/2007
President Bush Escapes From Weekly Bath00:00:5201/04/2007
Laura Bush Crushes Life Out Of White House Intruder00:00:4701/03/2007
Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban00:00:5101/02/2007
Ashcroft Rejected By Newly Created Bride Of Ashcroft00:00:4901/01/2007
Area Man Goaded Into Climbing Mt. Everest00:00:5312/31/2006
Christian Weightlifter Bends Iron Bar To Show Power Of God's Love00:00:5112/30/2006
Typo Results In 10,000-Acre Wyoming Skate Park00:00:4612/29/2006
Jeff Gordon Never Gets Tired Of Seeing Face On Cheap Plastic Crap00:00:4712/28/2006
Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide00:00:4512/27/2006
Alabama Governor Injured Imitating Pro Wrestling00:00:4712/26/2006
Christ Returns To NBA00:00:3812/25/2006
Ghostly Chicken Voice Speaks Of Revenge From Beyond The Grave00:00:4512/24/2006
Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr.00:00:4312/23/2006
Pope Converts To Islam, Changes Name To Pope Kareem Abdul-Jabbar II00:00:5212/22/2006
U.S. Ugly Population Hits 299 Million00:00:4912/21/2006
Ore Approval Ratings Plunge Following Mining Disasters00:00:5012/20/2006
Terrorists Paralyzed By Airlines' Ban On Liquids00:00:5112/19/2006
Tom DeLay Retires From Life Of Crime00:00:5312/18/2006
Homeless Man Bestows God's Blessing On All Within Earshot00:00:5012/17/2006
Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator Running00:00:5612/16/2006
Return Letter From Santa Just A String Of Obscenities Directed At Elves00:00:5512/15/2006
Astronaut's Heart Just Not In This Mission00:00:5212/14/2006
Area Hunter Only Does It For The Jerky00:00:5012/13/2006
Clinton Finally Takes Responsibility For Bush Administration's Failures00:00:4912/12/2006
Wheelchair-Bound Student Would Have Preferred To Sit Out Pep Rally00:00:4912/10/2006
Peter Gallagher Voted Eyebrow Magazine's Man Of The Year00:00:5312/10/2006
Marine Never Knew What Freedom Was Until He Left The Marines00:00:4612/09/2006
Malaysian Siblings Angrily Divide Bedroom Into Twelfths00:00:5612/08/2006
Jesus Answers Half The Prayers At Roulette Table00:00:5112/07/2006
Babysitter Swaps Dead Child With Similar Child Before Parents Get Home00:00:4212/06/2006
Well-Aimed Bunker-Buster Prevents Doomed Afghanistan Marriage00:00:5312/05/2006
Legendary Duck Survives Another Hunting Season00:00:5112/04/2006
Affable Anti-Semite Thinks Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media00:00:5312/03/2006
New Low-Calorie Sheep Bred To Combat Wolf Obesity00:00:5512/02/2006
U.S. Struggling To Raise, Support Its 53 Million Kids00:00:4912/01/2006
Dumpster Diver Dies Of The Garbage Bends00:00:4411/30/2006
President Bush Spills Coffee On Computer That Has All Of The Government's Files On It00:00:5211/29/2006
Bully Sidekick Gets Spin-Off Beating Deal00:00:4911/28/2006
No One Stabbed Or Anything At Off-Campus Party00:00:5311/27/2006
Visiting Liberian Dignitary In No Hurry To Leave00:00:5611/26/2006
Man Surprised To Hear Himself Tell Matt Damon He's A 'Big Fan'00:00:5011/25/2006
Barack Obama Has Glimmer Of Hope Surgically Grafted To Left Eye00:00:5711/24/2006
Paranoid Optimist Thinks Everyone Is Out To Get Him A Present00:00:5311/23/2006
Guy On Megaphone Loves Amplified Sound Of Own Voice00:00:5811/22/2006
Student Pulls All-Nighter For 'What Does Thanksgiving Mean To You' Assignment00:00:4911/21/2006
Clean-Shaven Man Ready To Win Back Girlfriend00:00:4611/20/2006
Stouffer's Discontinues Toaster Steaks00:00:4811/19/2006
Work Begins On Clinton Presidential DVD Library00:00:5611/18/2006
Wet-T-Shirt Contest Runner-Up Consoled00:00:4811/15/2006
Radio Station Begs Listeners To Come Down And See Guy In Tomato Costume00:00:5111/15/2006
Procrastinating Congressional Candidate Will Eventually Release Rival's Drug-Arrest Record00:00:5211/14/2006
98-Pound Weakling Opens Fire On Beachgoers00:00:4911/13/2006
Report: Sorry No Longer Cutting It00:00:5611/12/2006
Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid00:00:5011/11/2006
Democrats Unsure What To Do With Newly Acquired Power00:00:5311/10/2006
Britney Spears Lactates 2,000th Gallon00:00:5011/09/2006
U.S. Department Of Homeland Security Unveils National Evacuation Plan00:00:5911/08/2006
Real-Life Pie Fight Blinds Two00:00:4711/07/2006
Local Teen Dreams Of One Day Working In Packaging Industry00:00:4711/06/2006
Majority Of Americans Thought We Already Had A Moon Base00:00:5111/05/2006
Local Father Fails To Forcibly Re-Fold Map00:00:5411/04/2006
President Bush Asks U.S. Soldiers To Stop Dying00:00:5811/03/2006
Defiant Trout Refuses Federal Protection00:00:4711/02/2006
Archaeologist Decides To Keep Ancient Erotica Find To Himself00:00:5611/01/2006
Tumor Becomes Malignant Out Of Spite00:00:5210/31/2006
Parents Blame Rise In Teen Obesity On Eating-Based Video Game00:00:5810/30/2006
Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist00:00:5610/29/2006
Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported00:00:4710/28/2006
Morgan Spurlock's Experiment To Try Heroin For 30 Days Enters 200th Day00:00:5810/27/2006
Area Minister Has Spiritually Awkward Encounter00:00:5410/26/2006
Democrats Poised To Retake Congress, Fix Everything00:00:4410/24/2006
Sexy Nurse Having Trouble Finding Halloween Costume00:00:4610/23/2006
Starbucks Bathroom00:00:4809/20/2006
Area Beehive Not Ready For Democracy00:00:5606/09/2006

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